toffer’s Neighborhood

A bit of a snafu came my way earlier.  It sort of placed my hope on life support.  I have been feeling down ever since then.  However, my mother came in earlier and told me that I should really considering reading my horoscope.  She handed me our local news paper and I began to read.

Your Birthday Tuesday:
Use your unusually high energy and charisma positively.  Ask yourself where you would like a new beginning, possibly fulfilling a special wish.  Lady Luck will help guide your choices if you can visualize a dream.  Taurus is far more possessive than you.

I sort of shrugged my shoulders and my mom told me I should read the Aries horoscope.

Aries (March 21-April 19):
New beginnings can happen. Pretend that you are a birthday child and make that one important wish as you greet the world this a.m.  It can happen.  Tonight: You are all smiles.

I found myself in tears as I read this.  It rekindled that hope within me.  I feel better but, yet I worry that this is all just bullshit and that nothing is going to happen tonight.

I just don't know. :(

Dear self,

    A happy birthday to you.  It's hard to imagine that on this day, many years ago, you were brought into this world.  You are a precious gift to this world.  I know you miss being a kid and that adulthood is a daunting, often frightening thing to face.  The truth is, I'm just as scared as you are.  Everyone tells you that you're still so young, yet you don't feel any younger.  I know it's going to be difficult for you to put up a smile to the few folks who will wish you a happy birthday today, but do it not for them, but for yourself.
    I know how hurt you still are, how you miss her so.  I know that if you could, you would give your left foot to have her back.  We won't know what today holds until that time arrives.  Perhaps she's going to run into your arms tonight.  Perhaps she won't.  You can only hope for the best.  I know how much hope means to you and how you hold it dear to your heart, as if it was all you have left.  I know that you are struggling to fight the tears.  I just want you to know that you don't have to fight them.  Let them fall.  I know that your dreams haunt you, and that in your dreams all you see is her.  I know the reason you tend to stay asleep in bed is because you don't wanna leave your dream world.  You don't want to leave her there because, you know that when you open your eyes, you will have to face the cold reality that she's not yours anymore.  It hurts me to see you this way.  I would give anything to see you happy.  Yet, I know the only thing that would truly brighten up your world is if you and your love could be reunited again as a couple, not as strangers.  I don't know what I can say or do to make this dream of yours a reality.  The only person who can do this is her, and you have no control over the situation.  I know that this is hard for you to accept, as it is hard for me to accept as well.  You can't continue to hurt yourself like this.  Believe me, I will be here for you throughout all of this, as I always have.  I will sit here and wait for her, just like you will, hoping she will one day return to you.  Realistically, you can't wait forever for her.  That is cheating yourself out of a life that you deserve.  Wait as long as you feel necessary.  If you feel like waiting for her for a year, then know that you have my support.
    All I ask is you not forget the things you do have in your life.  Your family, though dysfunctional as it is, does love you very much.  You do have friends who care and love you, too.  I know that these people may not show you this love to you as much as you need, but know that it is there.  You were given an amazing gift....the ability to express yourself creatively through words.  I hear they call it poetry.   In the song "Picket Fence" by Brother Ali, he says, "She didn't tell me to take it, she told me to use it."  I encourage you to use this gift you have been given and turn it into something that helps you cope with the loss of your love.  It may not ease the pain, it may not bring her back, but it may touch another soul.
    I don't know what else to say to you.  You're very stubborn, you know.  I don't know whether or not you will take this to heart.  Quite frankly, I'm sure you won't, cause I think I know you better than anyone else.  You will continue to fill your heart with the grandiose hope that she is going to change her mind about the situation and return to you.  I wish I had an answer for you, man.  I wish I could just send a message into the heavens and hope that they might redirect it to her, and find a way to convince her to give this relationship a chance.  I know you feel you deserve it.  I believe you deserve it, too.  Again, there's nothing you can say or do to change things.  You have to continue to respect her position and respect her space.
    I'm sorry that I cannot do more for you.  In this world, the only person you can rely on is yourself, and that's what I am trying to do with this letter to you.  I just want you to know that you have me here and that you really aren't alone.  But, I know, these words seem hollow because wiping your own tears away feels empty, hugging yourself feels cold, and talking to yourself feels insane.  It infuriates me that there is nothing I can do but sit and watch you slowly self destruct.  Do not despair, my dear friend.  If hope provides you with the oxygen your lungs need and the blood that your heart pumps, then continue to hope for as long as you must.
   
    Love,
    Yourself

    "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you."
    -Ralph Waldo Emerson

It has been four straight days where I have had the chance to see her.  Each of these past four days have consisted of her waving at me as she passed by, along with the person giving her a ride home.  I waved back each time, as I watched her walk away.  I'm continuing to respect her wishes, but just because I am doing that does not mean that I have given up hope.

My emotional state has been hit or miss, night and day, or hot and cold.  I really have no idea what the next moment holds for me as far as my emotions are concerned.  I may be fine for a brief period of time but, sure enough, I will find myself with sobbing relentlessly as tears stream down my face.  Thoughts of her, the most minute thoughts that come to mind trigger these emotions.  My friend says that we become hyper sensitive to the things around us, and the strangest things that we didn't notice before will stand out more and will serve as reminders.  These reminders are MONUMENTAL in my eyes, yet to others, they seem like the ravings of a crazed man.  What's worse is...it never ends.

I've not been feeling well as of late.  I imagine the pain I feel in my chest is not really related to my heart in the medical sense.  I'd like to think that it is just the reflection of the emotional pain that has been inflicted, that continues to be inflicted.  If that were not the case and it was something medically related, at least there are medications, procedures, etc. out there.  In the case of emotional heartache and pain, there is no quick fix, no procedure to help the process.  Plus, what's the point?  I want to be here.  I want to wait for her, hope that she'll return to me.  As pitiful as that may sound to someone reading this, I imagine if you were in my shoes and you felt what I was feeling, you might change your tune.  Or perhaps I'm not strong enough within myself to look at it any other way.

Acceptance is difficult for me, and I imagine that it will be a challenge for me throughout my life. 

Even though things are at this point, I still continue to hold out hope.  I can never give up hoping for this.

"Dum spiro, spero" -- Latin Proverb that translates to "While I breath, I hope."

I hope.

I had my first encounter with my ex-girlfriend almost a week ago.  This was our first time seeing one another since she decided she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.  I wasn't anticipating much from her on this day but, I was pleasantly surprised.  Not only did she greet me with a wave and a smile, but she actually approached me while in my vehicle and had a conversation with me.

She asked for a hug and said that it was good to see me.  I had repeated the same phrase to her, but appended it by saying "I missed you."  She replied back saying, "I missed you, too."

To say that my hope was sort of strengthened would be an understatement.  For the rest of that night, including the following day, I was as hopeful as I have ever been.  I wasn't feeling down and out.  I had a pep in my step.  Surely, this was a sign of good things to come.

Nothing has panned out since.  I haven't seen her due to conflicting schedules.  However, tonight, I will more than likely see her again.  The ball continues to remain in her court.  I am just a spectactor in this one.  Although, I made it quite clear to her when she broke up with me that I would hold out hope and wait for her, as long as I could.  I intend to stick by those words.

It has only been two weeks since she ended the relationship.  Yet, in my mind, I have this strange thought that on my birthday (in a week), she's going to call me and give me the best birthday gift ever:  she's going to ask me to be in a relationship with her again.

Am I diluting myself?  Probably.
Is it far fetched?  Maybe.
Is it remotely possible?  Anything is possible.

I want to believe this is going to happen so badly, it's ridiculous.

What sucks about having that hope reinstilled is that, as the days go on, and I don't hear from her, my hope begins to wane thin again.  Once that hope has almost completely faded, I find myself a complete and utter mess.  A shell of a man I can't even recognize.

I take things to heart, as a man who wears his heart on his sleeve.  Though, a lot of people have told me that I shouldn't be this distraught and devestated over something like this, the simple truth is I am.  She means the world to me, and I want her back more than anything.

It's been ages since I've written a blog entry.  It feels like so much has happened since I last wrote here, and a lot has.  I met a girl, I asked her out, we both fell in love with each other, and I had been really happy.  However, she just broke my heart just over a week ago. :[

I thought I was lost before when I was shot down by the girls that I was merely enamored with.  Boy, was I a fool.  This break up has left me in a tail spin.  Last week was really difficult.  I spent every commute to/from work and school in tears, listening to sad songs.  My appetite was looted along with my heart.  It didn't necessarily blind side me but, I was hoping for a better outcome.

My problem now is that I am still holding on to this hope.  This notion in my head, that someday soon she's going to re-think her decision and realize that she made a mistake.  Once she realizes this, she'll call me, she'll come to me, and she'll tell me she wants me back.  That's what I hope for.

"Without hope, man is only half alive." - Charles Sayer

To top it all off, I will be seeing her tonight for the first time since she broke up with me.  Why? How?  Simple:  she happens to work at the same place that my mother does, and because I am tasked to pick my mother up from work each night, I have no choice but to be in her presence when everyone exits the building.  I'm extremely nervous and anxious.  I'm scared because of the expectations I have placed on this whole situation.  The idea in my head that, once she sees me tonight for the first time in over a week, she'll realize what a huge mistake she has made and she'll come running back to my arms, aching to be back together with me. 

It's a pipe dream -- far from reality, and I'm aware of this.  Even so, It still does not matter one bit to me.  What matters to me is her.  I love her dearly, I ache for her so much.  I even went so far as to say that I would wait for her, as long as she needed.  She obviously could not promise me that we would be able to be together in the future because she doesn't know what the future holds.  She also asked me to not call her, not e-mail her, not visit her at work unannounced.  She said she needed this and that it would benefit us both.  I've been respectful of that thus far but, I know it's going to be very difficult when I see her tonight.  In my heart of hearts, I can already imagine jumping out of my car, rushing up to her to hold her tightly, kiss her softly, and tell her how much I've missed her.  Since I cannot do that, however, I hope that she'll be the one to instigate all of this.

All in all, I can see this from a mile away, and by the looks of it, it does not look pretty.  It just doesn't seem like it's going to turn out how I hope (but I'm wishing it will.)

I guess I'll find out soon enough. :S

--

Edit [12:15 AM]:  She didn't come out of the building.  As I drove off, I saw her through my rearview.  She was looking at my car as I drove away.  I felt like shit after that.  I wanted to drive back and wait for her just to say hello but, I realize that sounds really pathetic.  I'm told I should let her come to me but, that's what also scares me:  the fact that she may never want to.  I just want her back, that's all. :(

My thoughts are jumbled, therefore I apologize in advance if this doesn't seem very coheisve.

Are we a product of our environment?  If you are born and raised in a ghetto, does that leave you predisposed to a life of crime?  There's a grey area here.  Many factors come into play when it comes to this.  For the most part, however, it is fairly accurate to say that you are ultimately shaped by those people who surround you.

I imagine if I was brought up in another household, perhaps things might be different.  I look towards my cousins and I'm a bit envious.  They have their lives together.  Sure, they like most families have their spats here and there.  But, I don't believe that things get so out of control in their households.  When you look at some of my cousins, the first thing that you'll notice is just how successful they are.

I wasn't brought up alone.  I've got three brothers who have grown up in the same environment as me, though they were a bit older than I was.

Growing up was never always pleasant.  My father is an abusive alcoholic.  I was fortunate that I didn't get the short end of the stick (maybe because I was the youngest) but, my brothers and my mother weren't so lucky.  I have vivid images of the ass whoppings that were handed out.  I remember my mom hiding a tape recorder in her blanket, all while he belittled her every night.  She taped those conversations to show to her family some day.  So they could see just how much she had to put up with.

As we all grew up, the physical abuse stopped.  More than likely because we could put a hurting on our father now that we were no longer children.  My brothers fled the house once they were old enough.  Their lives never necessarily turned out for the better.  None of my brothers finished school (only one of them went to college.)  They struggled at first, and even with limited success, they still continue to struggle.

In addition to their struggles, two of my brothers have carried on t same horrific character traits that my father exhibited:  a violent temper, coupled with severe alcohol abuse.

I mention all of this because I seemed to have been affected in an adverse way.  I spent my high school years severely depressed, and it never got any better.  It was only recently that I finally began to seek help through therapy.  Even then, I can't say that I'm in better shape than I was before, save for the suicidal thoughts I had as a teenager or my unsuccessful attempt at ending my life.

I could never really abuse alcohol because I saw how it factored into my life.  Believe me, I tried so hard to drink my sorrows away.  I found that no matter how much I drank, nothing could cure me.

The other night, I fought with my dad.  I've fought with him many times about his alcohol abuse.  I've gone so far as to take his bottle from his hand and hide it from him.  I felt I was doing this for his own good.  Yet even doing this, I took a lot of criticism from various members of my family.  I was told that I had no right to do that.  No right?  My father is a danger to himself.  He's drinking his life away and has been for years.  There was one intervention in the early 90's.  It was obviously a failure.

After his heart surgery, my dad could not drink on doctor's orders.  He was obviously stunned from the trauma, so I don't think he even considered it.  For four months, we were what most families were like.  We ate dinner together.  The fighting had stopped.  Then we came to realize the truth to the phrase "nothing lasts forever."

Flaws and all, I still love my dad.  His mother passed away when he wasn't even a year old.  I feel that that, along with the fact that he was brought up in a home filled with 9 other siblings shaped who he is today.  I can't account for how his life was growing up, but I'm certain not knowing his real mother had a profound effect on him.  I believe that's why he was so overprotective of my mother and perhaps even abusive towards her.

Pretty much every where I look, I'm faced with fingers pointed in my direction.  They also have one finger pointed at themselves, asking why they are the ones having to suffer.  Why do they have to put up with this nonsense?  That's the one thing that bothers the FUCK out of me.  Everyone in my entire family, extended family included, is always out for their fucking selves.  Of course, you have to look out for yourself, no question about it.  Yet, when others are dealing with so much shit in their lives, they either look the other way or they say "that's an issue you have to deal with in your own family."

A-fucking-duh:  If we could deal with it as our own family, do you think I would come to your for help?

Is there a point to all of this rambling? Not so much.  Just venting my frustrations out.  The other night my brother was getting on my case about everything that I was doing wrong and the supposed crap I was giving my parents.  I finally snapped at him and asked him "Why is everything about you guys?  What about me?"  Do I not fucking matter?

I've been searching for something (someone) to save me.  To help fill this void I have inside, to make me feel whole.  What I've been searching for is a woman.  My angel, so to speak.  Someone who would watch out for me and rescue me from all of this.

How stupid am I?

Well, let's see.

1. I let the break up with my ex-girlfriend infect my academic life.  The rammifications of this?  I was put on academic probation and cannot be reinstated in the same department on campus.
2. I let this girl I was enamored with, who lived half way across the country, infect my life to the point where I began to experience newly discovered symptoms of depression, such as extreme mood swings, uncontrollable thoughts, anxiety, and panic.
3. I let another girl I was enamored with infect my professional life to the point where I could not function at work.  I stopped doing work, I would sit there at my cubicle, like a mindless drone, and I would fight the urge to cry my eyes out.  I could not focus on anything.  This lead to my being placed on probation at work.
   

"Broken, bruised, forgotten, sore.  Too fucked up to care anymore."

So, back to the argument with my brother.  When I informed him that my issue with regards to my probation was the direct result of a woman, he paused for a moment.  "Are you serious?" he asked.  I nodded.  He shook his head and uttered something I can't quite recall.  It was something to the effect of "You're the biggest fucking idiot."  He then went back to his room.  After a few minutes, I decided to go back to my room.  On the way back, I brushed past him in the hallway, as he muttered under his breath "What a waste of skin."

I don't know what hurt more:  him saying these things or the fact that he may very well be right in his assertion.

Needless to say, I went to my room and felt like just letting the waterworks loose.

"All I've undergone, I will keep on..."

I haven't given up yet.  I was able to rectify the situation at my workplace.  The school situation is on deck.  I'm trying to make the best of what I've been given.  If life was a game of Texas Hold 'Em, I must have been dealt a 2/7 offsuit (the worst probable starting hand.)  The flop is all face cards, two queens and a king.  I don't know who the opposing player is, nor do I know what kind of hand they may have.  I just know that because I don't have enough chips for the big blind, I'm forced to go all in with this hand.  All I can do now is hope I catch a runner runner on the turn and the river.

My chances are slim but, if it were not for hope, I would not be able to continue on.

Why I value love so much, I really don't know.  I guess it all harkens back to the earlier comment about being whole again.  I'm trying to find my other half.  Yet, I don't think I ever will.

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” -Nathaniel Hawthorne

I'm sitting down quietly and I'm waiting for you.  I've been waiting for you.  Yet you continue to waltz past me, and place yourself atop the shoulders of everyone else.

I love photography.  Though it may not seem like it (based on the number of photos I've submitted here and elsewhere), I enjoy taking pictures.  I'm certainly not on the level of my neighbors, Julé and Terie.  The only cameras I have ever used have been either the disposable kind, cell phone camera, or a hand me down from one of my elder brothers.  So, for quite some time now, I have been mulling over the prospect of purchasing a digital camera.

About four years ago, the idea of buying a digital camera was quite beyond my realm, as I had no use for one.  Over the past three years however, I have grown quite fond of attending lots of local shows/concerts.  I enjoy them so much that I make feeble attempts taking pictures and recording video clips, so that I could share these moments with friends and family.

Seeing as that I did not have an actual digital camera, my only option was to utilize my cellular phone's built in camera.  It's a bit ancient, therefore it doesn't even register in the megapixels in terms of quality.  Trying to capture video with this camera was horrid.  The sound was distorted, the video was grainy, but yet I continued to do this because I love going to shows.

One day, one of my elder brothers decided to give my dad and I his old digital camera.  In terms of quality, it was leaps ahead of my cell phone.  I did have a few grips, the most obvious one being that I was limited to only 35 seconds of recording time per video.  I would also like to mention that the camera's battery life is horrendous.  I still use it, as it is the only option I have aside from my phone.

A comparison of some pictures I've taken at shows:

Camera Phone:

mewithoutYou

Underminded

As you can see here, the quality of the cell phone camera is very poor.  The lighting in the first picture distorted the picture a bit much.  The other picture seems a bit bland colorwise, even though the lights aren't as bright.  I may take 15-20 pictures at a show, and only 1-3 will actually be worth salvaging.
Digital Camera:

Coheed and Cambria @The Glass House

Portugal. The Man + Anthony Green

A definite improvement, no question about that.  I feel like the first picture is overwhelmed by the lighting in the background.  The second picture is not too bad.  But, my camera lacks a zoom feature, so this puts me at a disadvantage when I'm not right up front.

Recently, I have decided that I would like to work on some sort of music related site seperate from my blog.  I'd like to incorporate pictures and videos from some of the shows I go to.  This is where you come in, faithful vox reader.  I have no idea what camera I should get.

I may be a technology nut, but when it comes to photography?  I'm like my grandma when it comes to using the computer:  I know very little, so I could use some advice.

Canon SD600

The camera I have had my eye on recently has been the Canon SD600.  It seems that any of the SD models from the 450 up to 630 have been on my radar.

I do have some limitations when it comes to how much I'm willing to spend.  I know I'm making it more difficult by doing such but, anything above the $300 mark is not an option right now.

A lot of these shows vary in terms of the lighting.  Some bands like minimal light, some bands go all out with the light show.  As far as video is concerned, It would be nice to have MPEG4 quality along with the freedom to record videos longer than 35 seconds.

So, I'm asking you, the reader:  What kind of camera do you use?  How well does it suit your needs?  As a photographer (be it professionally or casually) what camera would you recommend under $300?  If price wasn't an issue, what camera would you recommend?

Happy Diwali everyone!

For those wondering exactly what "Diwali" is...

From Wikipedia:

Diwali, also called Deepavali is a major Hindu festival. Known as the "Festival of Lights," it symbolises the victory of good over evil, and lamps are lit as a sign of celebration and hope for mankind. The festival of Diwali is about harvesting. Celebrations focus on lights and lamps, particularly traditional diyas (as illustrated). Fireworks are associated with the festival in many regions of India.

I've been celebrating Diwali my whole life.  As a kid, I can remember our entire family congregating at my uncle Andy's house, where we would light candles, be merry, and unleash a barrage of fireworks.  At home, I remember my mom gathering these silver coins.  She would soak them in a tray of milk, then place them in an empty tray.  She continued with other rituals, those which I never really understood at the time.

My mother is Hindu-Punjabi, my father is simply Punjabi.  I was brought up as a Sikh, therefore it sort of baffled me as to why we celebrated Diwali, considering it was primarily a Hindu festival.  I finally inquired about it with my father and he explained it all to me.

From Wikipedia (again):

Amritsar on Diwali

Sikhs celebrate Diwali to commemorate the laying of the foundation stone for the Golden Temple in 1577. It is also known as Bandi Chhorh Divas. The Mughal emperor Jahangir arrested the Sikh Guru Hargobind and imprisoned him in Gwalior. Later Jehangir relented and released the Guru. The Guru asked that 52 rulers imprisoned with him should also be released.

To the joy of the Sikhs the Guru returned to Amritsar on Diwali and it prompted the followers to celebrate the day with joy and happiness.

On Diwali the Sikhs illuminate their Gurdwaras and homesare with Deewé (earthen oil lamps) or candles. Early in the morning, Sikh pilgrims take a dip in the sacred tank while reciting Japji Sahib, and then pray at the Golden Temple. Circumambulation of the tank is done.

My uncle's celebrations for the festival have stopped for some time now.  Since then, we have never really done anything special, other than our own personal celebrations at home.  Tonight however, my family and I are planning on visiting our local Gurdwara (temple) and celebrating with others.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Once again, Happy Diwali!

Earlier tonight I was apart of an intervention by my aunt and uncle, my cousin, and my mother.  Basically, we all sat down and talked about everything that's been going on in my life.  They made an effort to try to help me and they said that they wanted to see me succeed.  My cousin, Jessica says she's genuinely concerned about my well being,  both mentally and emotionally, as well as physically.

I opened up to them about some of the things that I had been keeping to myself.  Mainly the fact that I was recently put on academic disqualification at my university.  Though I never really blogged about this, I didn't feel it was relevant at the time to mention.

Since I do not wish to dwell on all of the details of what brought me to that point, I will just say that it had to do primarily with my ex-girlfriend breaking up with me.  The fact that we both attended the same college and that I would constantly run into her didn't help my cause.

My uncle offered me a place to stay (to get away from the drama at home), and even offered me tuition money.  A generous offer coming from him but, one I'm not planning on accepting.  I just wouldn't feel right doing so.

At one point during the conversation, I broke down into tears.  Mainly because I expressed my fatigue with the situation at home and just a general feeling of being fed up with everything.

I know life is difficult, and it's not as if I have never faced adversity in my life.  I was booted from high school for  some mistakes I made.  I went to continuation school and pushed myself to return back to school.  I got to graduate with my classmates during my senior year. Yet for some reason, I feel like this has been some of the most trying and difficult times that I've faced.

With me, EVERYTHING relates to music.

Catch Without Arms

For quite awhile now, I have felt that one song in particular has summed up everything that I feel.  Typically, songs have a few lines here and there that might hit you hard, bring you to tears, and be done with it.  In this case, the entire song is one that I can empathize with and feel somewhat motivated by.

That song is "Bug Eyes" by dredg.  Granted, it's their most commercially known song (complete with a music video) but, it still remains one of their finest pieces of work.  For me, it's the one that I seem to have haunt me throughout my days.  Whether it be Dino's piano piece during the bridge, Gavin's lap/steel guitar, or just Gavin's voice along with his words echoing throughout my ears.  It's very special to me.

It's so special in fact that I feel compelled to share the lyrics in this post.

Dredg
"Bug Eyes"

Bring back those good ol' days
Nothing feels right,
Nothing ever goes my way...
I threw my future away.

Now I'll walk alone, out here in the cold...
Wandering astray.
Where's my future?

Gonna need a home.
You'd expect the same, now, wouldn't you?
Wouldn't you?

Your journey back to birth
Is haunting you...
It's haunting you

Your departure from the earth
Is haunting you...
It's haunting you

Only those who accept
Will find that acceptance in return.

We have been trimmed down like hedges and told just to sit and wilt
And spit at each other from a distance, with constant resistance,
From you.

I'm gonna need a home
You'd expect the same, now, wouldn't you?
Wouldn't you?

Your journey back to birth
Is haunting you...
It's haunting you

Your departure from the earth
Is haunting you...
It's haunting you

It's been ten years strong and
That's much too long.

Time to do something good for my health...
Time to do something good for myself.

It's been ten years strong and
That's much too long

Time to do something good for my health...
Time to do something good for myself.

I've wasted all this time...
I've wasted all this time...

Your journey back to birth
Is haunting you...
It's haunting you

Your departure from the earth
Is haunting you...
It's haunting you.

I'm not sure what else to say.

I guess it's one thing to be dumbfounded when writing a post about your emotions, trying to express how you're feeling inside.  It's another thing when you're lost in reality, and you don't know what to do.

Edit:  I realize this post seems a bit vague in terms of the intervention by my family.  Basically, they are all urging me to make changes in my life in order to better myself, instead of digging myself further into a grave.  The first step in all of this is getting my school situation sorted out.  Then comes everything else.

[ This post feels incomplete.  I'm very tired, but I felt it was necessary to post this tonight. ]

Videos of dredg performing "Bug Eyes" live + the official video:

Bug Eyes (Music Video)

Bug Eyes (Live on Kimmel)

Bug Eyes (Live @Tower)